No such place as far away











{July 31, 2010}   Until we wake up

Going to Edmonton tomorrow, 17 hours inside a plane plus 3 hours of wait for the Toronto/Edmonton connection. Hard.
Today 2 of my favorite people in the world came to São Paulo to spend the day with me. Our last day together in a long time. I’m sad in a way I’ve never felt before, and wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Who knows? But I suppose soon enough I’ll have my answers.
My personal goal in non-objective terms is growing up as a person and finding out who I truly am. And today I feel like I’ve grown more than is healthy for a single day.

Enough said.



{July 26, 2010}   Koans

I know the saying goes like “politics, religion and <enter country’s favorite sport here> shouldn’t be discussed”, but I’m going to discuss a little bit of my personal religious views here, just because I feel daring today 😀

I’m an atheist so I don’t really believe in any superior deity. However I have a strong belief in Humanity and its power of changing things for the better, even if slowly and painfully. Also, as a philosophy of life, I follow some Zen-Buddhist and Confucianism principles, and actually started doing so even before I knew what they were. Since I was 5 years old I had direct contact with Japanese people and general Japanese philosophy of life through Kumon, and when I moved to São Paulo (with 13 years of age), a good portion of people I hung out with daily at school and outside it were also Japanese (since São Paulo has the biggest concentration of Japanese outside Japan itself and I studied right on the neighborhood with more Japanese – not Liberdade, but Vila Mariana and Saúde – this wasn’t exactly surprising). Due to the fact that many of them practiced Kendo, I tried it and fell in love with it. And basically was never the same person again 🙂

As part of learning Kendo, at least if the masters teaching are serious about it, one must learn several Zen-Buddhist and Confucionist principles, even if they aren’t exactly labeled as so. Many Japanese martial arts like Karate and Judo also pass along these principles (or they should), but being the art favored by the samurai (who were the ones that amalgamated Zen-Buddhism, Xintoism and Confucianism as philosophical base for their lives), Kendo is the most strongly focused on these. So even if right now I don’t practice Kendo anymore (mainly because I couldn’t bear to start when moving back to São Paulo and then stop after moving to Edmonton), it really feels like (and I do know this sounds sappy) “once the sword is in your heart, it never gets out”, as one of my senseis would say. The feeling of exercising heavily, even getting hurt during Kendo matches, and then sitting on seiza position and meditating for quite a good while, your body burning and then slowly cooling off, your mind racing and then suddenly stopping all useless thought is amazing.

Anyway, a few days ago I decided to start thinking about koans for some time before going to sleep. It has been helping me a lot in this phase of so many transitions in my life (moving out from Campinas to São Paulo after so many years living on my own, being away from my significant other and friends, preparing to move abroad, saying bye to family, getting ready for some tough challenges ahead, etc), and it’s something I had never done before (all I usually do is meditating regularly and doing breathing exercises at random moments).

Here are 2 examples of koans, for those that never read any:

When you breathe in, experience breathing in.
When you breathe out, be fully conscious that
you are breathing out.
If you cherish and practice this, it will bear great fruit.
Whatever you are doing and wherever you are, you
will find steadiness, calm, and concentration if you
become conscious of your breathing.

From “Majjhima Nikaya” of the Buddha


OBJECTIVITY AND SUBJECTIVITY
Things have never declared themselves empty, nor have they declared
themselves form; and they have not declared themselves right, wrong,
defiled or pure. Nor is there a mind that binds and fetters people.
It is just because people themselves give rise to vain and arbitrary
attachments that they create so many kinds of opinions, and give rise
to many various likes and fears.
Just understand that things do not originate of themselves. All of them
come into existence from your own single mental impulse of imagination
mistakenly clinging to appearances.
If you know that mind and objects fundamentally do not contact each other,
you will be set free on the spot. Everything in a state of quiescence right
where it is; this is the very site of enlightenment.

Ch’an master Pai-chang

EDIT: This last koan seems to be intensely linked to the holographic universe theory I mentioned on my last post, doesn’t it?



{July 20, 2010}   A break from CS

Last week, after traveling to Campinas to spend the weekend with my love and some friends, I ended up getting sick with the flu. It was my fault, as I was stupid enough to drink a beverage packed full of ice, even though it was freezing outside the bar we were at. Then for some reason, lying in bed for 2 days with a fever made me a bit sick of reading Computer Science stuff, and programming every single day. So I took a 1-week break (that’s a miracle…as I program at least a little bit, every single day including weekends!) and used this time to play games (I’m very much into The Sims 3 right now), organize everything I must take with me to Canada and actually read some papers on topics completely unrelated to computers, compilers and so on. The coolest ones are these: http://arxiv.org/abs/1002.4278v2 and http://arxiv.org/abs/1001.0785v1. Highly recommended!



“…Arise fair Sun, and kill the envious Moon!” 😉 And yeah, it sucks to be the “Romeo” sometimes. That’s one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever listened to, though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-G-GHTFoX4&feature=PlayList&p=15A4D8094160E73E&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=2

NARRATOR:

A love-struck Romeo sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low with a love song that he made.
Finds a streetlight, steps out of the shade
Says something like, “You and me babe, how about it?”

Juliet says, “Hey, it’s Romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack!”
He’s underneath the window, she’s singing, “Hey la, my boyfriend’s back.
You shouldn’t come around here singing up to people like that…
Anyway, what you gonna do about it?”

ROMEO:
Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start
And I bet when you exploded into my heart
And I forget I forget the movie song.
When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

Come up on different streets, they’re both the streets of shame.
Both dirty, both mean, yes, in the dream it was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real.
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?

When you can fall for chains of silver,
You can fall for chains of gold,
You can fall for pretty strangers
And the promises they hold.
You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin, yeah!
Now you just say, “Oh Romeo? Yeah, you know I used to have a scene with him”.

Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry.
You said, “I love you like the stars above, I’ll love you ’til I die”.
There’s a place for us, you know the movie song.
When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

I can’t do the talk, like the talk on TV
And I can’t do a love song, like the way it’s meant to be.
I can’t do everything, but I’ll do anything for you.
I can’t do anything, ‘cept be in love with you!
And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be.
All I do is keep the beat… and bad company.
Now all I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme,
Juliet, I’d do the stars with you any time!

Juliet, when we made love you used to cry.
You said, “I love you like the stars above, I’ll love you ’til I die”.
There’s a place for us, you know the movie song.
When you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

NARRATOR:
And a love-struck Romeo sings a street-suss serenade
Laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made
Finds a convenient streetlight, steps out of the shade
He says something like, “You and me babe, how about it?”

ROMEO:
You and me babe, how about it?

EDIT: Still on the “love is a strange monster” topic, a colleague linked me this video. I guess it plainly says it all, doesn’t it?



{July 2, 2010}   Happy Maradona

DAMN

I’m SO sure Maradona is dancing naked on top of a Brazilian soccer t-shirt right now. Well, no wonder Brazil lost with Dunga’s decisions. Everybody said he should have chosen completely different players, and now it’s proved. I hope he feels ashamed. I don’t, since I had seen this one coming just by seeing how that idiot Kaka played 😛 Kings of Soccer? Yeah, right.

I’m rooting for Ghana now…or Uruguay, if Ghana loses 😛

Let’s lighten our spirits! XDDDDDDDDD



{July 1, 2010}   On generalized hypocrisy

Sometimes I think that when people hate something external to them, they are in fact trying to hide that they feel guilty about stuff they have done, and since this something reminds them too much of their own guilt, it becomes a target for frustrations and bad feelings in general. I’m saying this because yesterday I was on the airport waiting for my flight back to São Paulo (I had been in my grandparents’ small town near Salvador these days), and bought a Newsweek magazine to read and try not to die out of boredom. Well, I’m glad I did.

Amidst writings about the post-China world (I’m so tired of so-called analysts trying to predict the world’s economic future, when they clearly cannot); how the lack of democracy in African countries is so prevalent that in order to do business with them, the richer countries are downplaying the usual UN-demanded political pre-conditions (is that even news? That’s what they always do!); and how nowadays marriage is becoming an obsolete institution (this one I can agree with); there was a small commentary that, recently, President Obama of the U.S is likely trying to emphasize that his country is not to blame for the Gulf oil leak, by calling BP by its actual name, BRITISH Petroleum.

Also it is well-known how people from all over the world have been talking bad stuff about BP lately, and showing actual hatred for its higher-ranked employees. Look, BP is obviously to blame. It royally screwed up, there’s no arguing that, and something went completely wrong. The company’s processes are ridiculously convoluted (as was shown here http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2010/jun/09/bp-oil-spill-contingency-plan) and they clearly seem like they don’t know what the heck they must do to stop the leak, much less predict how long it will take to clean the mess. However, and here I’m only giving my opinion, hating BP is too hypocritical.

First of all, as far as I know the U.S government was the one that ceded its shores for petroleum drilling, even though BP’s contingency plans in case something went wrong had glaring errors. So, too many people in government were paying attention to the profits and economic benefits of deep-water oil exploitation, instead of doing their jobs of actually checking if BP was doing its job properly. As it turns out, nobody was doing their jobs as they should, and of course, once irresponsibility goes on for too long, disasters happen. Decision-makers, as usual, were probably too busy driving expensive cars, getting some with hot women that only care about their money and rising their drug-addicted kids to actually make good decisions.

Secondly and last, BP wouldn’t exist if it didn’t have…guess what, consumers for the oil it so gleefully extracts from Earth’s inner cores. As someone that had hands-on experience with oil drilling software (as I worked on one) and thus has above-average knowledge on how the drilling process happens, I can safely say that it’s one of the most aggressive, if not the most aggressive, things that humans have ever done to Nature. If Earth was a person, I’d say that oil drilling is continuous rape. And I’m not kidding on that. Oil is essential to modern life, of course, but what I don’t get is this incessant urge of finding out more and more new reservoirs, and then nearly instantly starting to exploit them, even though oil production as it is right now is fully able to absorb consumer demands, and even if the majority of oil reservoirs are far from becoming empty. One could say “hey, but it’s good to find new reservoirs because lots of jobs are created, and economies receive a boost”. Ok, but is it really worth it? Especially when jobs could also be created by focusing on how to improve the drilling process itself, making it safer, cleaner and more efficient? It seems obvious that no one has been focusing enough on such improvements. In addition, does the population of countries heavily dependent on oil extraction really benefit that much from the business? I guess not, given that the petroleum industry gains aren’t shared as they should. Just take Saudi Arabia as a prime example. And Brazil too, by the way.

Even with all these problems, most people seem to support oil companies and new oil extraction ventures, attracted by the promises of new jobs and “unprecedented economic growth”. Also, they can’t stop complaining every time gasoline prices go up, even if a tiny little bit. If everybody falls for the same tricks of big companies and governments (who are the ones that make the big bucks and actually benefit from the industry) every time, and to top it off want every consumption item on their lives to be dirt cheap, who are we to hate BP really?

This is hypocrisy on my book. Another example: when people want to buy more and cheaper every day, and start thinking they should change their mobile phones and computers every year (otherwise they are poor!), and then go on to complain how Microsoft or Apple or Nike enslave thousands, if not millions, of Chinese people by choosing factories in China to make their goods, they are also being completely hypocritical. Factories in China pay a fraction of what they should to their employees and force them to work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, not because they are “evil”, but because consumers all over the world want their optical mouses to cost $30, and their Nintendo Wiis to cost $250 (or less).

How about we stop pretending that we care?



{June 21, 2010}   Playing with compilers

I had my first non-theoretical contact with LLVM last weekend. After studying quite a bit about its powers (reading Chris Lattner’s MSc. thesis for instance) I decided to keep going with my compiler optimization studies and use LLVM to guide those. I was a bit confused at first because I thought the whole source code, including front-ends for GCC, Clang and others would come together, but actually it doesn’t, and in order to use the front-ends you have to either download the binaries (afterwards including them in your path or creating symbolic links to their names), or download the source code for each front-end separately. I tried compiling the source code for LLVM-GCC, but it gives a strange compilation error, pointing to an error in a certain source file. Since I didn’t want to get stuck too long in this, I ended up using the binaries directly. Oh well 😛

I had a somewhat long line of compiler optimization-related articles to read, piling up for months, and I’m finally almost finished with them (that’s what I’d call a miracle, considering my main activity these days has been…sleeping. A lot. And watching/discussing World Cup matches). Now I only have to finish one about code region optimization, another about profiling using LLVM (that’s actually a Master thesis, I guess I’ll just look around for its corresponding article) and finally, the last one is about pointer analysis stuff. I’m also reading a really cool book (if you are a newbie to compiler optimization like me, that is) named “High-Performance Compilers for Parallel Computing”. It’s a good book because it reviews basic concepts like how compilation happens, graph theory and so on, before delving into more specific subjects.

On not-so-related news, my study permit arrived today. So I’m officially going to Canada! Also, Brazil won yesterday against Ivory Coast/Côte d’Ivoire. So, I’m all happy and dandy this week. Let’s hope the week closes as nicely as it started, with Brazil defeating Portugal on Friday!



{June 2, 2010}   Qt & Me

I don’t remember if I have commented this here before but I work on a contract basis for a Finnish open source company, since last year. People there are very nice and all guys from my team live in Finland or Sweden, working remotely like me or on-site. Anyway. My first project with them was writing QWKB, QtWebkit Benchmark. It’s a benchmark application that tests rendering performance of pages loaded in browsers made using the QtWebkit module. The project lasted a bit more than 2 months and was awesome. I suppose it’s been merged into Qt’s main branch by now.

My second project, which supposedly ends in July, is bug fixing and helping with feature implementations for the Qt project. Bugs reported in Maemo‘s bug tracker have higher priority, but I always try to handle some lower-level bugs, like those linked to QtOpenGL or the raster module. These portions of code are specially fun because I can simultaneously learn more of code architecture, OpenGL and also find out how things work deep down and how they are optimized.

So tonight I finished a merge request revision, which I hope ends up being accepted. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of taking part in open source projects like Qt, Maemo, Mesa (just to mention a few that are strongly graphics and performance-related), and I wish I had done this sooner! When I was an undergrad student I started and even completed successfully some personal projects by myself, but the guidance, contacts and programming experience you get from being member of these projects’ communities are priceless.



{May 27, 2010}   D&D Test

I don’t play table RPG but I do love Dungeons & Dragons-based games, like Neverwinter Nights, and TV series like Record of Lodoss War (ok, that’s an old one!). A friend of mine linked me to an interesting (and too long) test in order to assess what would be my characteristics if I were a D&D character. This is the result:

True Neutral Human Druid/Sorcerer (2nd/2nd Level)

Ability Scores:
Strength- 13
Dexterity- 11
Constitution- 13
Intelligence- 15
Wisdom- 16
Charisma- 14

Completely changing subjects, I left my small apartment near Unicamp campus Sunday and am now back in my parent’s house. I had to, since it was rented and I have only 2 months left until my legendary journey to Edmonton (xD). Last week was one of the strangest ones in my life, as I went out with friends, enjoyed as much time as I could with my significant other, and walked down well-known paths realizing everything will be completely different from now on. I’m one of those people that believes one needs to live things in order to fully comprehend them, and for some reason the craziness of what I’m about to do had not dawned on me until the point I actually handed out the apartment in which so many wonderful memories were created. I had the urge to cry, of course. And cried indeed 😛

I don’t have friends with my approximate age here in São Paulo, since I was an antisocial of sorts in High School (although I had lots of people I maintained regular conversations with, for some reason I needed to put a huge personal space between me and others, and thus ended up not becoming particularly close to anyone. Obviously all friendships eventually faded when I moved to Campinas). As a consequence I feel somewhat lonely these days; I suppose I should get used to it, though, and just go on doing my own things.

And by “things”, I mean studying hard 😛 For example I’m reading this MSc. thesis these days. It’s awesome and is really inspiring me to pursue a similar field of research for my MSc, that is, compiler design targeted at GPUs, with specific GPGPU purposes in mind. Compilers are fascinating for me, as are all graphics-related subjects like data visualization, rendering algorithms, etc. So it seems like the perfect combo.

EDIT: Speaking of RPG games, I just found Final Fantasy Tactics‘s soundtrack collection on Youtube. From all the games I’ve played (and I’ve played many games) this one certainly is on my top-5 of favorites, and its epic soundtrack has no rivals. It’s a game with simple graphics but complex gameplay, in which you have to actually think in order to win, since enemies always have experience levels matching the main character’s levels (thus, fighting a long series of easy battles just to level-up until you become much stronger than the bosses is useless; each fight is a challenge in itself). Congrats for Square (which wasn’t Square Enix at the time) for pulling out such a fantastic masterpiece.



{May 21, 2010}   Um post em português

Porque tem coisas que só na língua materna a gente consegue expressar.

Eu ultimamente sou puro pensamento, medito de olhos abertos sobre o mundo, e quase que falo sozinha. Na rua mesmo. De certo modo um mantra, na tentativa de selar dentro de mim meus sentimentos e tomar controle de minhas lembranças. Estou no mundo, mas no fundo gostaria de ser auto-contida. Apenas. Sou uma pergunta.

Quando sinto demais, fico muda. Caminho por caminhos tão conhecidos como se nunca os tivesse visto, como se de súbito tivessem adquirido mais intensas matizes de suas cores originais. Cheiros me lembram momentos…segundos e sorrisos suspensos no tempo, só imagens e gestos e odores e o sentir de uma pessoa que era criança, até mesmo na universidade (era brincadeira, mas também era verdade). A criança que corria porque via o céu bonito, a criança que achava que cadeiras duras eram o melhor lugar para estar, se fosse para estar perto das pessoas certas. Eu sou essa criança. Mas crianças não têm a consciência da perda, e é por isso que quem já perdeu, não importa que idade tenha, não é mais criança. Eu perdi, e ganhei. Mas então não consegui perceber, nem o que havia perdido, nem o que havia ganhado. Crianças demoram a aprender. Eu perdi novamente. Mudei. Naquele dia eu soube que a criança ganhara um novo tom no olhar, o de quem sabe que tudo é passageiro.

Mas saber não é viver. Minha fraqueza perante a irresistível voz do mundo constrasta com meu apego febril a tudo que tenho, ou ao que acho que tenho. No fundo não temos nada senão essa alma que estranha o outro e ao mesmo tempo o quer perto, e depois o quer longe. E depois o quer perto, e nunca realmente decide nada, porque não há o que decidir; vida não é decisão, é acima de tudo instinto. Quem ama de fato a um estranho, adormece a criança dentro de si. Pois amar é despir-se de si mesmo nos momentos mais inesperados, é afogar a arrogância de quem só se vê e abraçar sem ilusões um mundo que precisa de nós, mas não de nós como um todo, e não de todas as partes ao mesmo tempo. Ser adulto é ser fragmentos. E perceber que todo mundo é poesia, mesmo que nunca tenha escrito uma palavra.

Palavras só representam, elas não são. E o que representam é fundamental, eu sei. Estranhamente, porém, nas minhas memórias não existem palavras. Nunca guardo o que foi dito, apenas o que foi vivido. Talvez porque para mim viver não é dizer, é fazer. Concluo que o agora torna-se sem aviso um poema a ser recitado para sempre por quem o viveu, tão tênue entre o que já foi e o que há de ser.



et cetera
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